founders blog

porch meditation | founders blog

by | Feb 19, 2020 | connect.faith, founders blog

I sit on my South Carolina porch
somewhere between the bleak mid-winter and Groundhog Day
half moon, mid-tide, cold and foggy
I ponder my divorce… rather, our divorce
teenage heart throbs, married… too soon?
whole gaggle of kids, stress, debt, expectations
what ifs?
what nots.
fantasies, realities
I’m reminded of Humpty-Dumpty
the shell broken and shattered
our private lives oozing into public scrutiny
the shock, the shame
the fear, the freedom
longing for “the way we were”
glad to be away from “the way we were”
“… one less egg to fry
I should be happy
but all I do is cry…”
Did I love?
or did I just want to be loved?
Did I let go because I truly wanted him to be happy?
Or was it me that longed for greener pastures?
How do I navigate through this fog?
My heart is broken
my heart is liberated
and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
and all the scriptures and songs and poems and therapists
and self-help books, and well-intentioned friends,
can’t put this broken marriage together again.

Jane Chancey Bullard

Jane is a pilgrim on a journey, exploring faith and action beyond the traditional church, open to diverse understandings, and willing to engage in meaningful discussions. 

3 Comments

  1. Kat

    That was hard to read, I’m sure so so very hard to live and to share, thank you for sharing. You write beautifully.

    Reply
  2. Gordon

    You show us how much it hurts inside when “Plan A ” is shattered and broken.
    It broke God’s heart to see you go through such pain.

    Thankfully, God forgives us…
    if we are willing to forgive, as well.
    And loves us enough to lead us into a Plan B,
    if we are willing to rely on God to lead the way.

    Reply
  3. Pastor Debbie Bronkema

    Jane – the vulnerability in your writing is such a gift. I’m thankful for your willingness to share – and your openness to the connect.faith community. Hopefully there is healing for you in bringing these words out into the light.

    Reply

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